


Body and Soul

by Mondhase



Category: Swamp Thing (TV 2019)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Insomnia, Post-Series, Psychological Trauma, haunting memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-09-28 03:02:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20418824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mondhase/pseuds/Mondhase
Summary: Abby thought that she could deal with the horrible discovery she and Alec had made in the swamp. Yet after days without sleep she has to realise that she can escape neither the gruesome images nor the heart-wrenching questions that come with them. / Set after the series finale with massive spoilers for episode 9.





	1. The Body

Night had once more settled like a dark veil over the small town of Marais and the surrounding lands. Yet to Abby Arcane, currently standing on the deck outside her friend Liz’s place, overlooking the swamp, it made hardly a difference. She barely realised what she was looking at anyway, her eyes unseeing and her mind too frayed to care.

The young doctor had been standing here for hours, time passing her by unnoticed, while her thoughts had been a jumbled mess of sleep-deprived confusion. She could not quite recall the last time she had closed her eyes to find some actual rest, and not just the fitful tossing and turning that had comprised the last two nights’ attempts at doing so. Instead of blissful sleep there had been only memories and unbeckoned thoughts keeping her awake, stronger even than the physical strain of exhaustion wearing her down after days without respite. 

The same memories and thoughts, in fact, that were tormenting her still, flooding her mind with images too vivid to ignore. Images of horror and death, of shattered hopes and dreams. Images of a rotten body hidden in the swamp…

A deep sigh escaped Abby’s constricted throat and she shook her head as if attempting to banish the painful thoughts. All pointless efforts to grant herself a moment of relief amidst the waking nightmare she seemed to have found herself in ever since she had followed Alec into the swamp that night.

Ever since she had found him strapped to a table, cut open and torn apart like a lab experiment, really. To think the torture he had been through, the pain he must have had endured, it was too much to even comprehend. Yet Abby suspected he would have willingly suffered all of it a thousand times over, if that had just spared him his tormentor’s final crippling revelation. The one piece of knowledge that had wounded Alec – and by extension later Abby herself – so deeply and permanently that even his body’s immense healing capabilities had not been able to undo the damage. The truth about himself, about what he was...

To know that Woodrue had been arrested and that the men who had kidnapped Alec were either dead or gone should have been a relief. Yet none of these things managed to bring so much as a smile to Abby’s face. Instead, the events following said kidnapping – the gruesome discovery in the swamp – kept haunting her, overshadowing even the tender moments she had shared with Alec at the lab the previous night. How she had promised him that they would face the darkness out in the swamp together. She and Alec.

_Alec. Was that even his name? _

Another of those unbeckoned thoughts that kept disrupting Abby’s tattered mind. It left a painful twinge in her heart, causing the young woman to shudder at the horribleness of it all. And at how what should be unthinkable was suddenly coming so easily to her now.

_Of course it was his name!_ An angry voice in her mind insisted, starting the young woman right back on the loop her thoughts had been going in ever since she had seen the corpse in the swamp. The corpse of the man she had spent only one single day with and yet had come to know better than most of the people she had met in her whole life. The corpse of Alec Holland.

A tear escaped Abby’s eye at the thought, retracing the trail of many that had come before and leading the way for countless more she knew were still to follow.

_“When I look into your eyes, I see _you_. I see the presence of the man that I once knew.” _

This had not been a lie. Despite all the doubts and sorrow that were tearing her apart right now, Abby knew that the being in the swamp that she had gotten to know over the past few weeks carried within him a part of Alec Holland. And that this part, as much as the moss and vines that made up his body and that connected him to the _Green_, defined who he was. After all, she had seen the kindness in his eyes, had felt the gentleness of his touch and had been saved time and again by the unwavering strength of both his body and his heart.

In fact, it was her own heart that was telling her the one other thing she was absolutely certain about right now. That she had feelings for this creature – this man – in the swamp. Strong, romantic feelings that she could not bear to follow, although not for the reasons most people might assume.

When Abby thought about Alec, her heart swelling with longing, it wasn’t his strange appearance that made her recoil at the same time. It wasn’t even the fact that at the thought of his name she always saw two sets of eyes in her mind. One a light green, framed with thin lines of laughter, the other a striking red, surrounded by the colours of the swamp. In truth, the one thing that pushed her away from Alec, tearing up her heart and her sanity in the process, was that since two days ago, whenever she thought about him, there was now a third set of eyes staring back at her. No, not eyes, really. Just empty sockets filled with death and decay. Dark hollows haunted by the ghost of a dead man...

Abby shuddered yet again and a desperate gasp escaped her throat as her lungs were suddenly struggling for oxygen.

_“This _thing_ is what I am. Alec Holland is dead.”_

Alec Holland is dead. A fact so simple and yet so utterly incomprehensible. Abby knew that her heart would keep denying it to her last breath and yet she also could not ignore that she had seen it confirmed with her own eyes. Had seen Alec Holland holding the dead body of Alec Holland...

It had been a situation too insane to put into sensible terms and looking back, Abby had no idea how she could have ever reacted as calmly to it as she first did. Right now, just the thought of it was making her head spin, intensifying the feeling of nausea that had been growing in her stomach for hours.

Once again, images started racing through Abby’s mind. Memories of familiarity, of a bond the like of which she had never felt before. A hand reaching out for her, removing an innocuous piece of glass stuck to the side of her face. Then that same hand – now changed beyond recognition – reaching for her once more, and a voice like a dark rasp coming from the depths of the earth itself speaking her name. Only that it had not been the same hand at all, Abby reminded herself. In truth, that hand – Alec Holland’s hand – now lay at the bottom of Skeeter Cove, stripped of its flesh and left to rot. Just like the rest of him.

The cry that tore itself from Abby’s lips at the thought echoed across the water, the long overdue release of pent up horrors. She pressed her eyes shut tightly against the tears that were once more flowing freely and wrapped her arms around herself in a desperate attempt to contain her emotions. For a moment she was close to dropping to her knees, had there not been an even stronger desire keeping her afoot. The desire for answers. For someone – anyone – to tell her whether there was some sense to her conflicting emotions, or if they were just the first signs of an overwhelmed mind coming apart. Because how else could she be in love with a dead man? A man who was now not a man at all, yet with her feelings remaining the same? If Alec Holland was truly dead, then how was this anything but her going insane?

After hours without movement, Abby Arcane finally turned on the spot, feeling sick to the stomach. A curtain of tears obscuring her view, she stumbled back over the wooden pier in the direction of Liz’s house. As soon as her feet touched solid ground, however, she made a sharp turn, a different destination in mind. Instead, she headed past the house and towards the boat that was tied up at the small platform down at the water.

The scientist in her knew that she was in no condition to go out into the swamp on her own, that her severe lack of sleep was messing with her mind and cognitive functions. Yet she also knew that out there was the only place she could possibly find answers. That out there was the only person who might be able to provide them.


	2. The Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay, but, well, this chapter turned out... *slightly* longer than I had expected.

When the familiar silhouette of the now-defunct Sunderland lab peeled itself from the darkness in front of her, Abby Arcane barely registered it. After all, it was not as if she had planned on coming here.

She had ventured out into the swamp to find the creature she only knew as Alec Holland, and yet she had not spent a single thought on where exactly she was going to look for him. Instead, her exhausted body had been functioning on autopilot, her hands turning the steering wheel following only her instincts and the layout of the swamp. If she had been more awake, she might have wondered why channels she had passed through countless times before had suddenly been blocked by vines and other plant life. Or why the only paths still available to her had taken her on a route that would lead her straight towards the lab.

Abby had noticed none of that, however, her mind currently nothing but a blur of confusion, pain and half-formed questions, begging to be answered. Questions that would keep her weary frame going until she had found her destination, whether she was actually ready to hear the answers to them or not.

It was the boat’s sudden jolt as it hit the lab’s landing pier, that finally ripped Abby out of her jumbled thoughts. She blinked a few times until she realised where she was, her eyes widening as she recognised the wooden structure above her. She had met Alec right here when she had come looking for him the previous night, yet after everything he had told her then, it somehow seemed strange to her that he would continue to seek out the abandoned lab. After all, this had been Alec Holland’s workspace, a place that had fit the energetic biologist like a glove, despite his insinuations to the contrary. If this person was truly gone, then how did it make sense for Alec as he was now to still keep being drawn back here? What else could this place be to him than just the reminder of a life that did not fit him anymore? A life that... was not even his own?

A shuddering breath escaped Abby’s throat at the thought, but she quickly forced herself to take a deep breath, stifling any signs of crying in the process. She hated being this emotional and the last thing she wanted was for Alec to see just how desolate she had been feeling. With trembling fingers the young woman bunched up one of her sleeves and wiped her cheeks vigorously, removing any traces of shed tears and run down mascara. She knew that her eyes, probably red and swollen, might still betray her emotional state, but for now she just hoped that the nightly shades around her would keep Alec from realising immediately how upset she actually was. If there was even a chance for that.

A moment later, Abby finally climbed out of the boat onto the wooden deck. Yet even though she had solid footing again, her legs suddenly threatened to falter underneath her. She had to grab one of the structure’s support beams to steady herself, while braving the wave of exhaustion that was rolling over her weary body. It certainly was not just her mind anymore that was facing the brunt of her sleep deprivation. At this point, the CDC doctor felt about ready to drop, no matter how used she was to an atrocious sleeping schedule.

However, Abby knew herself well enough to know that she would not be able to find any true rest until she had quieted down the raging turmoil that was currently her mind. So she moved on towards the stairs leading into the building, hoping to finally find the answers she was looking for. Her path was being illuminated by the headlights of the boat that she hadn’t bothered to turn off, the lantern she would usually take with her unlit and forgotten back on the small vessel.

_“It’s a little steep, be careful.” _

Once again Abby had to take a deep breath as Alec’s voice ­­– his human voice – echoed in her ears the moment her feet touched the stairs, repeating a warning he had given her a lifetime ago. His lifetime _and_ hers, she mused wryly, for as drastic as what had happened to Alec was, she hardly felt like the same person as the woman who had come here that day, either. Too much had changed. Her life had been uprooted, her understanding of the world shattered and her heart broken to pieces, its fate yet to be decided.

To be decided right now, perhaps.

“Alec?” Abby called out once she had climbed up the last few steps into the abandoned laboratory. Her voice was a mere reflection of her usual confidence, yet still clearly audible in the stillness of the room. Her gaze wandered over her moonlit surroundings – disregarded lab equipment gathering dust amongst an ever growing garden of invading plants – until a massive form separated from the shadows.

“I’m here, Abby.”

Even in the dim light – or maybe because of it – Abby’s attention was caught immediately by one of Alec’s most striking features: his red eyes, like two bright rubies burning in the darkness.

She was thrown back to the first time she and Alec had met here at the lab after the explosion; the first time they had actually spoken. She recalled the red flare with which she had tried to fight off the creature that had attacked her, its harsh light only intensifying Alec’s monstrous appearance. And she recalled the fear she had felt at his sight at first. A fear so far away and yet so close to what she was feeling right now when she looked at him.

Not that she was actually afraid of this being in front of her. No, she knew she never would be again. Yet she was afraid of the things he might tell her, of losing the fragile hope she kept nurturing inside of her that there might still be something left of the person she had once known.

_“Alec Holland is gone. There is nothing you can do to change that.”_

He had told her this last night and Abby had agreed that she was not here to try. After all, how could she? She had seen the body, had felt the harrowing emptiness of his loss inside of her. Alec Holland, the human, the scientist, the man who had charmed her with his goofy smile and corny references was gone. She had made her peace with that. But to believe that there was nothing of him left? That not at least some part of him was living on in the being that had been born from his death? No, she was not going to accept that!

“Abby, are you alright?”

The young woman jumped at the feeling of a massive hand touching her arm. To her bewilderment she realised that Alec was standing directly in front of her now, even though she had no recollection of him actually moving closer. At her startled reaction, he instantly let go of her arm again and backed away from her, yet without leaving her out of his sight for even a second. A look of concern was darkening his plant-like features while his blood-red eyes scrutinised her.

Abby blinked repeatedly, her mouth opening in surprise as she was trying to figure out what was going on. In some distant corner of her mind she felt a pinch of regret at the idea that Alec seemed to believe he had scared her, but the thought was too far removed to register properly. One thing that she did become aware of, though, was the fact that she still had not said anything since entering the room, and that she owed Alec some kind of reaction.

“What? Oh... yeah, sure... I’m okay,” she stammered while nodding briefly. “I’m just... I’m a bit tired, I guess. Haven’t really slept well, that’s all.” For a moment, Abby attempted to reinforce her assertions with a confident smile, but it faltered again too quickly to convince anyone. Instead, she could see Alec’s eyes narrowing at her reply, prompting her to turn away from him. She wandered over to the grass and flower samples planted in front of the large windows, unable to bear to face his scrutinising gaze any longer. Not with her emotions dwelling so closely beneath the surface right now, ready to spill over.

Abby did not know what else to say, or how to begin the conversation she had come here to have. Instead she just focused on the nightly sounds of the bayou in the heavy silence that was otherwise covering the abandoned lab. A silence that was ultimately broken when Alec let out a soft sigh and took a few tentative steps towards Abby, while still maintaining enough distance to give her space.

“I guess you don’t sleep when everyone else does, do you?”

Abby could sense the attempt at humour in the rough voice, yet there was something about this question that made her pause. Something... familiar.

_“Do you ever sleep, Dr. Arcane?”_

_“Not when everyone else does. And it’s ‘Abby’.”_

A friendly exchange before an autopsy turned horror show.

The first glimpse of a relationship destined to go far beyond collegial respect.

Another echo from another lifetime.

...and Abby Arcane laughed.

It was a laugh utterly devoid of joy or humour, no more than a flimsy mask to hide yet another painful crack in fleeting sanity. Still, it was the only reaction that seemed appropriate, considering the absurdity of the moment.

Once again it took mere seconds for the charade to falter, though, and the mirthless chuckles became constricted sobs, bringing new tears. Yet Abby brushed them off immediately, unwilling to lose control again.

One thing she had already lost, however, was any chance of fooling Alec even a second longer about her current condition. Not that that came as much of a surprise...

“Abby, what is going on with you? You are clearly not ‘_okay_’,” the giant creature observed as he further shortened the distance between them. He still remained a few steps away from the young woman, though, and Abby could only assume that this was because of her earlier reaction.

Not that she actually cared about that right now. No, right now Abby was having a hard enough time sorting through the myriad of contradicting thoughts that were racing through her mind. Thoughts that were bringing back the horrifying confusion that had had her in its grasp for most of the day, and that she had thought under control for the moment. How wrong she had been...

“What’s going on is that you are such a liar, Alec Holland!” she declared angrily, while turning to face the man in question.

“What? I... I don’t understand.”

Abby could see Alec struggling to catch up with her emotional outbreak. Deep lines creased his forehead and his eyes were begging her for an explanation. An explanation she was eager to give, even though in truth she was still struggling to make sense of it herself.

“Of course you don’t, because you’re not him, right? And how could you be him, if he’s gone? If all that you are is nothing but a blurred copy?” She could see the hurt in Alec’s features at this remark, but somehow Abby couldn’t stop the rambling thoughts spilling from her lips. “I guess that’s why you go around, saying things that only he could know. Or is that not how this works? Because I don’t know, I truly don’t. I don’t understand any of this. I thought I did, but...” At this point Abby’s voice ebbed away, her slender body trembling with suppressed sobs, despite her earlier resolve not to cry anymore.

This time, Alec’s touch did not startle her. When she felt his strong hands on her arms, pulling her closer, it was like a comforting balm amidst the craziness that seemed to have engulfed her completely. For a second, Abby allowed herself to rest her head against Alec’s chest, the small sprouts that were growing on it tingling against her skin. When he spoke again, however, she instantly felt herself becoming defensive, the anger inside of her itching for a target. Any target.

“I’m sorry, but you are barely making any sense, Abby. Tell me, when was the last time you slept.”

“How is that important?” the young doctor snapped as she pushed herself away from Alec once more.

He sighed deeply at her behaviour, but did nothing to resume the physical contact.

“Just... humour me. Please.”

For a moment there, Abby was prepared to break into another rant, about anything really, but it was the tenderness in Alec’s words and the sincerity of his plea that gave her pause. Once she actually considered the question, she needed a second to come up with the answer, the memory of sleep having been so far removed from her mind lately.

“That was the other night, before... before I drove back from Atlanta.” Atlanta. As far as Abby was concerned, the CDC headquarters might as well have been on Mars, considering how they felt like an entirely different world compared to the quaint little town of Marais, Louisiana.

“Abby, it’s been almost four days since then.”

Alec’s reply needed a moment to fully register, but once it did, the dark haired woman shook her head in disbelief. It just... did not make any sense. Then again, nothing seemed to, lately.

“What? No, it hasn’t been that long. That’s not...” Abby broke off, her weary mind trying to recall how long she had been back in Marais already. “When I came back from Atlanta I spent that night looking for you in the swamp after you were taken. It was already morning as I went to Liz for help and we only found you the next night in that... in that _horrible_ place. From there I followed you into the swamp, where we... where _you_...” Once again, Abby fell silent, her vocabulary suddenly seeming inadequate to describe what had happened out in the bayou that night. She still vividly recalled every agonising moment, but found herself unable to put any of it into words.

“Where I found out what I am,” Alec finally supplied, his words leaving a bitter taste in Abby’s mouth. She merely nodded, though, eager to move past those specific memories.

“Well, I... I think I actually went to bed when I got back to Liz’s place later – _much_ later – that night, but I’m not sure if I ever fell asleep.” An abrupt chuckle escaped Abby’s lips at those words, causing her to cover her mouth with the back of her hand. A silent tear ran down her cheek unnoticed, but this one was spilled just as much for the sanity she felt slipping away from her, as for the traumatic events she still could not banish from her mind.

“Okay, fine, scratch that,” she admitted, sounding utterly defeated. “I _know_ that I didn’t sleep that night, just like I didn’t sleep last night after we met here. Or today, while Liz was gone, helping out her dad. I mean, how am I supposed to sleep after what I’ve seen out there? What _we’ve_ seen out there? Can you?” She had added that last part on the spur of the moment, so far never even having contemplated how Alec was dealing with everything that had happened. What a great friend she was to him...

“Actually, do you even sleep anymore? I guess that’s just one more thing I don’t even know about you,” Abby confessed with a wry smile, barely able to hide her embarrassment.

“I do sleep,” Alec confirmed with a small nod, “but no, I haven’t done so since that night, either. But it seems like I need a lot less rest than you humans do, so this does not justify what you have been doing to yourself, Abby.”

Abby grimaced at Alec’s blunt response, but figured that she had had that one coming. After all, it was not as if she had been particularly careful with his feelings, either.

“Okay, fair enough. But, it’s not like I don’t want to sleep, alright, because I do. I really do. I want to lie down, close my eyes and just... I want to stop seeing him.” More silent tears made their way down Abby’s cheeks as she just stood there, letting the words sink in. No matter how miserable she had been over the course of the past few days, or how desperate for sleep, this thought had never been that clear to her. And with it came the one question that had been ghosting through her mind all this time, always there, but never fully formulated. The one question she desperately needed answered...

For a long moment, Abby stood unmoving as she tried to work up the courage to speak again, meanwhile letting her eyes take in the astonishing creature in front of her. The friend she had come to cherish more deeply than she had ever thought possible and the man she cared for so much that it was threatening to tear her apart.

When she finally did continue, the young woman’s voice was trembling under the weight of what she wanted to say. Yet she forced herself to go on, knowing that it was the only way forward, no matter how painful it might be.

“Whenever I try to sleep, I see Alec Holland’s body in the swamp, but it’s more than that. There’s also this question that keeps going through my mind and I don’t know the answer. And... and honestly, I don’t even know if I can _bear_ the answer, but it won’t let me close my eyes, so... I was wondering if I could ask you—”

“Anything you want to know, Abby,” Alec replied without hesitation, yet his deep voice sounded more sombre than usual.

“Okay, alright.” Abby nodded, steeling herself inwardly. “So... are you...?” The words seemed unwilling to come over her lips, her voice halting repeatedly.

“Are you—” she tried once more, only to finally break off completely and shake her head vigorously. “Oh, god, I’m sorry. This is horrible, I shouldn’t even be here. I should never ask you this. I’m not sure you even _know_ the answer... or if anyone does, really. I’ll just go, okay?” This time the young woman nodded, her heart suddenly feeling a lot lighter with this course of action in mind. “I’ll go back to Liz’s and try to get some sleep and... and I’ll be fine in the morning.” Abby nodded once more, even more resolutely, before she started to move towards the hole in the floor that was leading back down to the swamp.

Before she could cross the distance, however, Alec positioned himself in her way, his expression grim.

“Abby, don’t! Whatever this is about, you are just tormenting yourself if you don’t let it out. Ask me what you came here for and I will answer, if I can.”

Abby stopped dead in her tracks as the massive green frame blocked her path, caught completely off guard by Alec’s interference. Her eyes darted once more towards the lab’s exit and she briefly contemplated her chances of making it there anyway. Chances that were pretty much non-existent, as she quickly had to admit to herself. Of course she was certain that Alec would never go so far as to physically stop her if she was insistent to leave, but if there was one thing she had certainly not come here for, then it was to fight with him.

In the end, Abby let out an exhausted sigh and shrugged in defeat, not having any energy left to restrain her emotions any longer.

“Fine. Okay, so, I know that this is going to sound stupid – and it probably is – but... who are you? Are you Alec Holland or not?”

_Alec Holland is gone. There is nothing you can do to change that. _

Another sob escaped her lips, barely audible this time. Had this been the truth, after all? Was she just being in denial?

“Abby...” the being in front of her began, pain radiating through his voice. When he fell silent again, however, hesitating, Abby quickly seized the opportunity to continue. Now that she had finally brought up the nerve to say what had been haunting her for so long, she felt unable to contain the words even a moment longer.

“I know you said the real Alec Holland was dead, but you can’t deny that part of him is living on inside of you. But which part? You have his mind, his memories...” Abby halted for the briefest of moments, her eyes meeting burning red ones staring back at her. “But what about his soul?”

The heavy term seemed to have sucked all the air from the room, until Abby shrugged yet again, a lopsided grin distorting her features.

“You know, if there even is such a thing. Maybe that’s just bullshit. Maybe this is all that we are, the collection of our thoughts and memories. And if that is the case, then you _are_ Alec Holland in every sense that matters. Sure, you are _more_ than him, but you are also the same person, just living on in a different body.”

At this point Abby stepped forward, so that she was standing mere inches away from the mossy creature, having to look up to maintain eye contact.

“But what if souls actually do exist? Then where is Alec’s? Is it in here, inside of you?” she wondered, her breath trembling as she carefully placed a delicate hand on his chest. “Or did it – did _he_ – move on to heaven... or _whatever_... when his body died? I guess in that case he would be truly gone. Or...” Abby was going to list a third option, but her voice suddenly broke, the mere idea of it tearing her insides apart.

“...or,” she finally continued, her words barely audible even in the stillness of the room, “is Alec Holland’s soul still here in the swamp, somehow tied to that half-rotten corpse – that... that pile of bones – that you pulled back to the bottom of the cove?” Abby did not even notice the tears anymore that were welling up in her eyes once more, obscuring her view. Yet even with her blurred vision, she could still make out the two red orbs in the darkness above her, and she noticed them narrowing instantly the second her legs gave out underneath her. She would have fallen to her knees, had Alec not caught her in his arms in time and lowered her carefully to the ground.

A moment later they were both kneeling on the dusty floor, Abby clinging onto Alec as for dear life while her last remnants of self-control were coming apart. She was gasping for air, her face buried against his massive green chest while her fingers were fiercely gripping root-covered arms. She did not know what to think anymore, or even what to hope for. If Alec Holland had a soul, should she not rather be hoping for him to find peace in a better place, instead of being tied to a monstrous creature that roamed the swamp? Would that make her selfish, to wish nothing more than that this being that was holding her in his arms right now actually possessed the very essence of Alec Holland?

Tears were still flowing freely down Abby’s cheeks, a stream of sorrow that showed no sign of ebbing away anytime soon. She simply felt incapable of holding herself back anymore, despite knowing full well how horribly unfair this was to the one who was holding her. This being – this man – who was doing everything in his power to comfort her right now, despite the fact that it was his very existence that was being called into question here.

In the end, however, it was precisely the knowledge of Alec’s own pain that finally allowed Abby to regain some semblance of control over herself. She let go of him and slowly pulled back, looking utterly mortified.

“I am so _so_ sorry, Alec. I don’t even know what I was thinking. Honestly, I can’t even begin to imagine what you must have been going through these last few days, and yet here I am, putting my own troubles on you as well.”

“It is alright, Abby,” he assured her, his words sounding sincere, yet without fully convincing the young doctor. “You are merely asking the same questions that I have been asking myself over and over since I found out the truth. In fact, I have been asking myself who I am – _what_ I am – ever since the moment I woke up in this swamp. For a while there I actually thought I was getting close to an answer, but as it turns out, I did not even understand the question.”

“So you don’t know, either,” Abby concluded, the faintest of grins tugging at her lips.

“No, I’m sorry. But... I actually saw him the other night. Alec Holland, I mean. The human... _part_ of me, I guess.”

“What? What do you mean, you saw him?” Abby had been doing her best to dry her eyes, even though the flow of tears had not fully ceased yet, when her brow suddenly creased in confusion.

“After I defeated the men in the swamp, chased off their leader, he was there,” the mossy giant began to explain. “I told you I was contemplating to leave this place and get lost in the _Green_, but it was _him_ who reminded me that I still had a reason to stay. A connection that I could not afford to lose unless I was willing to lose myself.”

“_Me_,” Abby finished the thought, her eyes lighting up ever so slightly, just like they had done when Alec had told her this the previous night. 

“Yes,” he replied, before falling silent once more.

Abby remained quiet as well, feeling as if she had just spent the last few minutes laying her heart bare in front of Alec.

Alec. That name, still the same mystery, the same unanswered question racing through her mind. Still the same three pairs of eyes gazing back at her from the darkness...

The young woman took a deep breath and forced herself to exhale slowly in an effort to calm her tattered thoughts. Maybe this was just something she would have to accept. Maybe there simply was no answer. Or at least none that she was ready to understand.

Her body exhausted beyond belief and her mind feeling vulnerable and exposed, she let out a weak sigh and slowly leaned forward once more to rest her head against Alec’s chest yet again. He responded immediately by wrapping his strong arms around her, allowing Abby to fully let herself sink into the embrace.

The tickling of sprouts against her skin was a familiar sensation by now, as was Alec’s particular – and very much non-human – smell. A combination of moss and swamp water, a scent deeply ingrained into the very foundations – the very heart – of Marais. A scent that reminded Abby of _home_.

A moment later, Alec spoke again, his words accompanied by a soft vibration rumbling through his chest. It was as if he had sensed her discontent over the lack of answers he had been able to provide so far.

“Abby, you wanted to know who I am. If I am still Alec Holland. But the truth is, I don’t know. I suppose I might have been wrong before, and that he is actually a part of me. That I am not just a copy. An imposter. But I don’t know if we are still the same person. Somehow I... I don’t think so. I don’t feel like Alec Holland, not anymore.”

Silence followed this confession, only disrupted by the sound of Abby sniffling. She was still leaning against Alec’s bulky frame, her eyes staring off into the distance as she nodded briefly.

So there it was, the answer she had been waiting for. The one she now had to live with. Without realising it, Abby intensified her hold on Alec, as if he might otherwise disappear from underneath her touch. As if there was a chance that she might lose him, too...

“Abby,” Alec suddenly began anew, and she could feel his piercing gaze resting on her, “there is one thing I still don’t understand.”

There was something tentative about his words – vulnerable even – that made Abby turn her head so that she could look up at him. She knew that every pain she had felt over the last few days, Alec must have felt a hundred times over, and the last thing she wanted was to cause him anymore grief. Not if she could help it.

“What?”

“You know that the man Alec Holland was is not coming back. And you told me you cared about me the way I am now—”

“I do!” Abby insisted immediately, her eyes locking with Alec’s to convey her sincerity.

“Then help me understand why this distinction between him and me is so important to you.”

For a moment, Abby was left entirely speechless by this request. She knew the answer, of course, and yet it was not something that she felt ready to announce yet. Not now, not like this. Not before she had had the time to wrap her head around her own feelings and how Alec’s true nature affected them. If it did at all.

Nevertheless, after everything Abby knew she must have put Alec through with this nightly visit, after all the misery her questions must have brought back, she knew that she could not deny him now. Not when he was merely asking one single thing of her.

Despite her resolve to tell Alec the truth, however, Abby could not bear to face him while doing so. She averted her eyes from his crimson ones, suddenly a lot more interested in the way his arms were wrapped protectively around her body. Her cheek resting once more against Alec’s chest, Abby took a deep breath and began to speak in a hushed tone.

“Well... I guess it’s because... because, if you and Alec Holland are not the same person, then it’s like... like I’m betraying _him_ with the way I feel about _you_.” Abby took another deep breath, before she went on. “What I mean is, when I say that I care about you, Alec, I don’t just mean as a friend. You’re more than that to me, much more.”

The words seemed to linger in the still night air and for a moment, Abby did not even dare to breathe as she waited for Alec’s reaction. Whatever it was that she had expected him to say, however, whatever of the countless possibilities she had played through in her head, Alec defied them all as he remained entirely silent. That was not to say he did not answer her, though.

Vine-covered arms fastened their hold around her, pulling Abby into an even firmer embrace. She could feel Alec’s scent – his presence – engulfing her, prompting her to let out a faint sob as she could feel the tension dissipating from her body. Days of sleepless anxiety had left her a mere shadow of herself, and yet with one touch, it was as if Alec had calmed the storm raging in her mind.

Abby closed her eyes, shifted her legs across the floor to make herself more comfortable and exhaled deeply as she could feel the relief washing over her. Unwilling to break the silence between them again, the young woman gently ran a hand over Alec’s moss-encrusted chest; a small gesture meant to convey her gratitude. She could feel him lower his head in response, his cheek coming to rest against the top of her hair, and Abby knew without a doubt that she had never been this cared for – this _safe_ – in her entire life.

Her slender body caught up in Alec’s arms, Abby could already feel long-awaited sleep beginning to take hold of her and she surrendered to it willingly.

For the first time in days, there were no gruesome images of death haunting her thoughts, no horrible questions keeping her awake. No, for once, there was just peace and silence. And the scent of _home_ wrapped all around her.

~ The End ~


End file.
